Harry Potter and the Incredulous Fanfic Author
by xxdiexforxyouxx
Summary: I love Harry Potter. Except for the obvious oversight of not pairing Harry and Draco together. That said, I am a person who likes to belittle what she loves. Hence, this story.


Obviously I'm a huge Harry Potter fan... So obviously, I have a few doubts about things. Here they are, and I mean this in fun and not in a rude fashion. Hopefully this will cheer us all up from the previous fic. -XxdiexforxyouxX

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_Harry Potter and This Makes No Fucking Sense-_

Harry and Draco sat side by side, talking. Ever since the war ended, the couple had been filling eachother in.

"Wait, so only you and Voldemort could kill eachother? Then why didn't you just head out into battle against the Death Eaters, if you couldn't die?"

Harry shrugged. "I guess I could still get hurt or something?"

Draco continued. "And is this only by magical means? If we'd beheaded him, would he have survived that?"

"I don't know. Dumbledore kept me pretty much in the dark."

Hermione dropped into the seat next to Draco.

"And while we're on the subject..." she began, "if there were enough time-turners for a third year student to acquire one, why didn't someone just go back in time and stop Voldemort?"

"That's a good question," Harry and Draco agreed.

"And why was the Sorcerer's Stone protected by enchantments eleven-year-olds could get through?" Harry added, warming up to the subject.

"And why did twelve-year-olds figure out it was a Basilisk second year, when no-one else got it?" Hermione wondered aloud.

"And if the Room of Requirement gives you whatever you ask for..." Draco pondered, "why couldn't I just WISH the bloody cabinet fixed?"

The three exchanged looks.

"You know, guys..." Draco began, "Looking back on it, we worked **way **harder than we needed to."

"Yeah." Hermione and Harry agreed, after which Harry plowed Draco into the stylish leather sofa, and Hermione reread Hogwarts- A History. Again.

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_Harry Potter and This Really Isn't Getting More Reasonable-_

Hermione poured Harry and Draco some tea.

"You know," she began, "I've been wondering again. If the Ministry is alerted whenever a Portkey is created, doesn't that mean they knew about the TriWizard Cups bewitchment?"

"Yeah, it doesn't really make sense," Harry agreed, passing Draco the sugar.

"And wouldn't you think Snape- suspicious (natured) bloke that he is- would guard his stores better? I mean, he has some dangerous Potions ingredients, and you guys broke in as second years!" Draco added, adding far too much sugar to his tea.

"And why do we need a janitor in a magical school?" Hermione asked. "A simple _scourgify_, and maybe a _reparo_or two every now and then... Filch really makes no sense, you know?"

"Especially since he's a squib!" Harry added.

"You know what I don't get?" Draco asked, adding a slice of lemon. "Well, Hogwarts is a fortress, right? One that not even Voldemort can get into."

The others agreed, eating dainty finger sandwiches with their tea.

"Well, then how come Sirius Black, and all those Dementors, and Barty Crouch Jr., and Quirrell with Voldemort attached to his fucking face all made it through the wards?"

"Yeah," Hermione added, "Isn't Hogwarts supposed to be the 'Safest Place in Britian', according to Dumbledore? Even though I'm pretty sure it's in Scotland?"

"Our lives really make no sense," Harry sighed, after which he and Draco made a stupendous blanket fort and Hermione crocheted 43 striped Christmas socks.

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_Harry Potter and This Really Isn't Getting Any Clearer, Guys-_

Harry stepped into the hot-tub and sat between Hermione and Draco. "You know, guys, I've been thinking... Why does Hogwarts keep a dangerous tree like the Whomping Willow on the grounds? I mean, it's a children's school."

"That's a good question!" Hermione said, hitting the button for more bubbles.

"Yeah," added Draco, "And how come the only banner between us and the Forbidden Forest is Dumbledores telling us to 'stay out'? I mean, that's not very... Forbidding."

Harry nodded, giving himself a bubble-beard. "We must have snuck in there about a billion times."

"And why the magic moving staircases?" Hermione added. "Could we not afford enough staircases to connect ALL the floors?"

"It doesn't save us that much time, really. I mean, why not escalators, maybe? I don't know. It's a magical school," Harry added.

"And why is Peeves allowed to destroy the school at his fancy?" Draco contributed, toying with a rubber bath-duckie and playing footsies with Harry under the bubbles. "Why hasn't someone called the bloody Ghost-Busters or something?"

They all agreed.

Hermione tilted her head and stroked her chin thoughtfully. "If the Sorting Hat is a sentient being... What does it **do **for the rest of the year? Does Dumbledore stick it in the closet? Does it have any contact with intelligent forms at all?"

"Mmm, good question," Harry said.

"Maybe it has a second job?" Draco offered.

"And shouldn't there be a lifeguard by the lake? I mean, we never HEAR about anyone drowning or anything..." Harry wondered.

"Well, I'm off," Hermione said, going to tape reruns of Law and Order- SVU. Harry and Draco cast Bubblehead Charms and used them to give eachother underwater blowjobs, a wonderful misuse of magic if I ever saw one.

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_Harry Potter and Can Someone Clarify This, Please?-_

Harry looked up from the puzzle he was working. "Hey, Draco? Why can't I just _accio_the fucking snitch? Is it ever explained? Was I just chasing it around for NO FUCKING REASON?"

Draco set down his yo-yo. "I'm sure there's some reason you can't..." He replied thoughtfully. "Some anti-summoning charm or such."

Hermione took out her ear-buds. "And if we're not allowed in the Forbidden Forest, then why is Hagrid- who essentially cannot use magic- allowed to take kids out AT NIGHT for detentions?"

Harry began to play with Draco's hair, curling it around his fingers. "And if we're wizards, why do they bring in an executioner for Buckbeak? Why not just _Avada Kedavra _the poor thing?"

Draco grinned and reached for the remote. "Have you ever noticed that _Avada Kedavra_ and _Abra Cadabra _are an awful lot alike?" he said with a giggle.

"You know," Hermione said, "We've had literally no history classes except History of Magic, which EVERYONE slept through. Isn't it weird that that hasn't had any detrimental effects on us?"

"I know. Weird. And isn't it convenient that Voldemort's given name is an anagram for a reasonably evil-sounding bad-guy moniker? I mean, what are the chances?" Draco added.

"And why aren't more people suspicious about a one-year-old defeating a guy who is arguably the most evil wizard ever? I mean, I would be!" Harry questioned, braiding Draco's hair.

"And why isn't Ron here?" Draco wondered.

Hermione shrugged. "Ron's not really that deep, y'know? It just wouldn't fit the bit."

Hermione then went off to paint all the doors in the house purple, while Draco served Harry a full sushi-bar off his delicious, drool-worthy abs.

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_Harry Potter and Do I Really Need To Say It?-_

"Why don't they just question Sirius under Veritaserum?" Harry asked, looking up from his cross-stitching.

"I don't know..." Hermione replied, drawing on the walls with a Sharpie marker.

"I still don't get why we couldn't just behead Voldemort," Draco confessed, playing with Harry's unused thread.

"And whatever happens to Trevor?" Hermione wondered aloud. "Did he die? Did he move in upstate with a nice farm family? I mean, one year Neville is losing him left and right, next year not so much as a mention?"

"Utter nonsense," Draco said, shaking his head. He went back to playing with the thread, looking very much like a kitten.

"You know..." Harry said slowly, "Voldemort captured me like a dozen times. The only reason I always survive is because he took so long with the dramatics. Why didn't he ever learn from his mistake?"

"Yeah," added Hermione, who was currently playing tic-tac-toe with herself on the wall- and losing badly. "And doesn't it seem like branding all of your evil minions with matching tattoos would make them laughably easy to identify?"

"And does Bill REALLY love Fleur?" Draco asked, "Or did she just use her Veela allure on him?"

"How did they even get together?" Harry wondered. "It seems like it was during the TriWizard Tournament, but CHARLIE was the Weasley there..."

"Yeah... Makes no sense." Draco replied.

Then Hermione went off to paint 'Romani ite domum!' on the walls, a la Monty Python, and Harry and Draco set up to play strip-CandyLand. Complete with actual candy.

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End file.
